The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said,"A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f*cking Chihuahua?

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says: "Would it be worth another quarter of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says: "Sure." He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says: "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says: "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside and says: "You know, I've really not been fair with you, because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
2. If your opponent hasn't played the course before, don't be a spoilsport and ruin all the surprises.
3. The score (or handicap) a player reports should always be regarded as his opening offer.
   
4. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
   
5. Error must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
   
6. The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always hit the do-over first.
   
7. Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6 miles backward.
   
8. One good shank deserves another.
   
9. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
   
10. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
    
11. You can hear thunder a hundred miles away when you're three holes down with three to play.
    
12. Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
    
13. Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.
    
14. No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
    
15. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
    
16. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
    
17. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
    
18. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
    
19. The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to offer insights into the mental side of the game.
    
20. If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
    
21. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.
    
22. Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.
    
23. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
    
24. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.
    
25. It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
    
26. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
    
27. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his shot.
    
28. Taking more than two putts to get down on a lightning-fast, steeply-sloped green is no embarrassment unless you had to hit a wedge between the putts.
    
29. Never subtract so many strokes on any one hole that you wind up with the honor on the next hole.
    
30. The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.
    
31. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
    
32. It's not a gimme if you're still away.
    
33. A tap-in is the larval stage of a hop-out.
    
34. Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
    
35. Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
    
36. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
    
37. It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really appreciate the first one.
    
38. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
    
39. You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
    
40. A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than one golfer.
    
41. 99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last .01% will stop a golf ball dead.
    
42. If your ball disappears in the fairway of a blind hole, it's probably because it rolled into an anti-divot and vaporized.
    
43. Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
    
44. It's always winter somewhere.
    
45. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
    
46. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing 40 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.
    
47. Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in the fairway.
    
48. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
    
49. A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
    
50. It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not too choosy about which fairway.
    
51. Hazards attract; fairways repel.
    
52. For most golfers, the only difference between a one-dollar ball and a three-dollar ball is two dollars.
    
53. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
    
54. The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the available supply decreases. F =3D (f)S
    
55. No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being marked.
    
56. An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the bush.
    
57. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
    
58. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.
    
59. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.
    
60. Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
    

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over clubhouse loudspeaker "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN"s tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating. Once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE!"

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the persons with the mic and shouted back, "Would the person in clubhouse kindly shut the fuck up and let me play my second shot!"

ODE TO GOLF